No actually, there isn’t.
Maybe, I should just say it out.
There has been a change lately, probably more of a change for the worse. There’s no one else to blame for actually other than myself. Sitting down on the floor of the train while going home, I think. Of what? I don’t really know.
Maybe I was thinking of this: You see, I may not look like it, especially those who don’t really know me to the fullest extent. I’m actually an individual with a horrid number of flaws. My insecurities, are endless. My temper, sharp, snappy and always on a hairline trigger. My social abilities are near a state of autistic behaviour. I’m bothered about this really the most. I’m really really afraid of a negative reaction. So many a times I prefer not to say what I truly feel. If I do to you, congrats, you mean more to me on many many levels. Fear grips me like a vice right at my throat. I don’t dare tell others what I feel and think, leaving that process and debate in my own mind for me to know, for me to feel. But if it were that simple, I’ll be living cloud nine in my head right now. ‘Cus I know I have to be better than this. That the hesitation and that passiveness around many a things would get me in to serious trouble sooner or later. I’m struck with this curse that my speech far lags behind my ability to think. So, whatever I want to say is most of the time, if not all the time left in the dumps at the back of my head, right behind an ongoing conversation. Sometimes, a monologue even because one person who is not me, speaks only. I don’t.
As a result, it brings on this dreadful and overbearing consequence that simply just puts me down all the time. Firstly, I’m easily misunderstood by others. Whether is it to be scary, or fierce or whatever that denotes an anti social behaviour. And also, I sometimes say things that come too late or not to be even said at all. Ideas, thoughts, emotions are not conveyed and thus, others seem to handle me in a manner that further provokes me, bringing me further down. Little does one know that in almost every conversation, I fight to bring my words and thoughts out when I sense the least of discomforts while talking with another person. It’s tiring.
With this holiday, being the most stupidest, uneventful, dissapointing one ever. I have even further degenerated my social abilities. It’s just so hard to come to terms with all the shit the comes my way I can’t even find the strength to talk to others.
I’m horribly cursed.
