I would think that this is a good time to start writing again. Given the amount of stresses i have been going through lately. It’s barely enough to be sustained on the bouts of twitter or facebook. Some thoughts are meant to be said out, ranted and told to everyone. But some I would rather have it kept here. where its safer. Take it this way that twitter and facebook can never be used to accomodate written accounts of such thoughts of this level.
I know i’m better than what i think i am. I’m meant for things beyond the ordinary. So I take for in a conclusion that my life can never be seen as normal. I’m trained to kill, and to coordinate a team to kill another. My life is revolves around the nature of war. And I like it. In the more romantic sense, I see my self as the lone ranger, who’s one purpose is to be a fighter, who can never adapt to the fancies of a social life. Honestly speaking, I freeze up speaking to a person I fancy especially of the opposite sex. I can never conjure up enough courage and initiative in the face of such a situation, ironically in opposition to what the nature of my job requires me to have.
Probably thats why in such a situation, I give up the fastest, the easiest. My thoughts are never centered around myself, but rather for the sake of those around me. “Can they adapt to me?” “Would they be able to accept me for who I am”? ” Would my job inadvertently cause me to ignore their needs?” “would I upset them?” It’s always about someone else I think about, someone else I would consider before making a decision. Do I really care so much about others before I take myself seriously? The spirit of sacrifice is the one of the greatest qualities of human kind. But how much is too much? I don’t even know that myself.
I gave it a thought today about my predicament. Maybe it will just fade away sooner or later into the depths of time and age. But maybe it will just come back and haunt me every time. I would never know how to solve this problem.
